Your favorite bartender is back from prision
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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