no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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