thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
