i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
