I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
