just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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