Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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