we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
