a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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