Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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