if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
