A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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