um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize