i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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