So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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