Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just found puke in my bra..
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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