Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
