fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
if only i could text you this smell
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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