mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
