Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
