i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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