Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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