Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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