i just google imaged poop.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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