She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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