Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
