I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
