Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
