so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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