I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
