you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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