What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
