i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
