I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
