Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
