well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
