All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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