...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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