At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
