I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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