I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
