Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
They took my balls.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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