Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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