There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I stole a fireplace last night.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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