you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
