The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
