I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
