Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
