She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
