He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
