i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
