Joe is yelling at the trees again.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
