Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
