I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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