I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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