I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
