dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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