The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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