Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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