Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
