You're completely useless in the revolution.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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