today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
