Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
sex in a hospital.. check
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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