I wish I could punch you in the face.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
