the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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