I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
