I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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