I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My dick has a subreddit
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
