Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
