I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
