Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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