so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
