I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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