I'm so fucking centered right now
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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